this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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