We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
