I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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