now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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