so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
