Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
honey bunches of taint.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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