Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
