I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
