I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
