did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You may now shotgun with the bride
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
