id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
