Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
