I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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