Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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