Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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