Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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