I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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