Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
