Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
