we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
