I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
