mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
