It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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