i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
