Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
