Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
