I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
