Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
