You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
