i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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