The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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