My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
