My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think I won the penis lottery.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
