Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
