you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
