I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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