Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
