Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
