I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
