She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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