don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
