The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
