I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
