I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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