Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
