I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
