You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
