enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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