Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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