When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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